Professional Padding.
Optimistic White Matter – And you’d be wrong, this is a smartphone so sensitively aligned with its owner’s temperament that the service it provides is virtually instinctive. A smooth and supple interface, intuitively integrated context menus all responsive to pressure as well as motion, allowing a user to effortlessly glide from weather to websites to mail to maps to moments to memories and savour all their critical functions with pinpoint precision. Forward and back becomes in and out, reducing hours of cumbersome swipes and ponderous pokes to seconds of subtle squeezes, sneaky slides, speedy shifts and silky shimmies.
Pessimistic Grey Matter – Is it me or has it taken apple 20 years to realise that a two button mouse wasn’t such a bad idea? You’re just a overgrown kid with the dangerous privilege of enough cash to fritter on five minute wonders. Face it, by the time programmers have deciphered the best way to deploy all these ground breaking gimmicks and users have committed them to muscle memory, they will only prove of use for as long as the your grand enabler’s fickle conscience can resist contemplating 4d touch.
Optimistic White Matter – On the contrary, my considered investment will pave the way for legions of aspiring and imaginative developers to unleash their spectacular skills and mobilise a generation of visionary inventions, thus transforming the contemporary handset from a Swiss army knife into a single, malleable blade that morphs into the ideal tool on command from a subconscious neural twitch. A skeleton key that unlocks every door in an enlightening maze of organic communication and allows distant souls to instantly connect and interact with spirit and emotion.
Pessimistic Grey Matter – Or alternatively, an extremely effective way to render opposable thumbs redundant, placing us below beavers and level with woodlice in god’s great chain. As for the new A9 processor, no doubt it delivers an exceptional 80% boost out of the box and makes the GUI as snappy as an alligator tied to super strength bungee, but everybody knows the heady honeymoon will cease as soon as Apple enforces a bloated OS replete with stealthy obsolescence slowing it down in flawless unison with their shrewd philosophy of clinical profiteering. Have a little empathy. They have to do something to persuade certified converts that $32 guarantees them something better next month.
Optimistic White Matter – If I step it up I’ll make the store by 3am, I only hope this new credit card doesn’t bounce, if it does I’d sooner abandon my rosy fantasy that risk the embarrassment of showing a bank teller the world’s worst seflie…my passport photo.
Other party pieces I was ill-disposed to subtly weave into the narrative.
A 12 mega pixel camera with optical image stabilization (exclusive to the plus model), automatic HDR to make DSLRers salivate and the novel knack for seeing precisely 1.5 seconds into the past and the future and documenting 90 hyper resolution premonitions and flashbacks on the off chance the user wishes to carve a career as a spiritual medium or a physic stockbroker.
A resoundingly re-enforced chassis wrought from genetically purified industrial grade aluminium branded with the number 7000 to assure customers that while Apple would never admit the iPhone 6 Plus with incapable of surviving routine wear and bend, they are a company that thrives on gestures of goodwill.
A 5 megapixel face time camera with telepathic ambient light calibration, and the intriguing facility to employ the phone’s retinal powers as a super intelligent finely incremented flash to capture selfies so sublime that Snow White’s wicked stepmother would have snapped one, hurled her scarlet apple at the castle wall in a fit of furious envy and screamed,
“Curses!” Not only is Snow White farer than I, now there’s this other saucy minx I must hunt and poison. Pray Mirror Mirror on the wall, please tell me who she is. And the Mirror Mirror on the wall would have uttered a melancholy sigh and replied
“Fair lady that is you, as I have stated no fewer than five times this fine morning. That infernal contraption you bear has the power to skew reality, make its owner appear so beautiful they can no longer recognise themselves. I fear I may soon be out of a job.”
Meanwhile, Snow White would have taken one and said,
“Goodness!” Either the side effects of that succulent Cox have yet to wear off or my “fairest of them all” days are numbering to a close, she’s a stunner.
Finally, the handsome prince would have taken one and exclaimed,
“Ugh! My Nose! What’s happened to my nose, it never looked like that on the Note 4 and my hair, those roots can’t be that dark, I used the best dye in the Kingdom. This thing’s going straight back to the market. I’ll knew that merchant looked suspicious, seven feet tall with no face and a curiously spherical head. I’m holding off till the Galaxy 7”.