Notch Your Normal iPhone.
In the context of ancient Marriage “Honeymoon” is a period newlyweds spend in idyllic isolation from their friends and families and in most cases, away from their native lands. The idea is predicated on the location and surroundings providing the perfect backdrop for each spouse to appreciate the physical characteristics, personality traits, unique habits and endearing quirks that initiated their mutual attraction.
A considerable amount of money was frequently invested in the tradition to ensure that, in the unlikely event of sadness or conflict, there were always such welcome distractions as, surgery sand, golden sun, five-star hotels and extravagant candle lit meals featuring house wines at house prices.
In the early 21st century, Marriage was rapidly becoming an antiquated institution, with many young would be weds forming transient relationships with multiple partners via a ubiquitous palm sized soulmate closer to their heart than all of former combined and furthermore, would be amenable to an impromptu divorce on account of their owner’s perpetual lust for the youngest and most attractive. Here is an example of one such cyber-servant.
The Inimitable iPhone X.
One of the most revered and reviled of any generation and a reason for rife smart phone polygamy.
The intense and relentless publicity perpetuated by this icon of ephemeral modernity precipitated some of the most turgid and obsessive pontificating ever to permeate social media.
Hordes of Tortured technophiles simply couldn’t stomach letting such a historic gimmick grace their culture without expressing massively long-winded opinions regarding its flaws and fortes. As you’ve probably gathered, I too was guilty as charged. Voracious Vloggers uploaded centuries of self-conscious affirmations in attempts to assuage either guilt, disgust or desire. The titles alone made for hilarious reading.
“Why you shouldn’t buy the iPhone X”
“Why I’m buying an iPhone X”
“Why I’m switching to iOS
“Why I’m switching to Android”
“Why I almost switched to iOS”
“Why the iPhone X will be my first and last iPhone”
“Five reasons why I love the iPhone X”
“Ten reasons why Steve Jobs would have hated the iPhone X”
“Why I’ll never buy an iPhone.”
“You should only buy an iPhone X if you’re gender neutral”
“Why crowd funding is invaluable to those who wish acquire an iPhone X, despite explaining for several hours why its pile of festering turds and they absolutely definitely will NOT be buying one.”
Those “privileged” enough to be furnished with one of Apple’s strategically allocated review units could be observed proudly parading their precious gift, usually before the rueful lens of a relegated iPhone 7.
In a fit of feverish ecstasy they caressed its elegant curves, fawned over a membrane of exquisitely crafted glass, ogled in awe at the opulent OLED display with its class-leading colour gamut, eulogised the flawless accuracy of the TrueDeph camera’s revolutionary face detection system…over and over and over again…desperately conveying to a cautious audience how much more efficient and secure it was than its predecessor’s cumbersome fingerprint scheme, “touch ID”.
This same camera was also utilised to film themselves hamming up catchphrases and greetings messages, then replace their faces with animated faeces.
Beyond such juvenile pranks and jubilant praise, any semblance of a mildly subjective observation, let alone criticism, was somewhat scarce, principally because the latter group consisted entirely of elite and devoted New World Orchard disciples who would sooner take a vow of silence then claim anything rose golden and delicious left a bitter aftertaste.
Furthermore, all were allotted strict usage timeframes, just about long enough to permit a basic and pleasurable experience of their precious gadget’s most publicised features but certainly not asses their potential long-term effectiveness or observe how the underlying hardware synergy interacted with the hundreds of apps they had hitherto relied on.
Thus, no matter how “impartial” they endeavoured to appear, the resulting “reviews” amounted to little more than 10 thousand-word sales pitches, most of which simply regurgitated specifications in ever expanding sentences or worse, essentially paraphrased Apple’s entire white paper under the guise of a wholly independent and informative review.
Those perusing such articles would invariably scroll downwards until their burning retinas encountered something akin to one of these, a far more succinct and impartial method of divulging stats to the masses.
Ultimately and despite such potent opposition, by ensuring like a master preacher that their stanchest loyalists perceived only what justified their deepest desires and might well embody their sweetest dreams, Apple left no chance for the proverbial “honeymoon” to run its course, or the forbidden fruit to over-ripen and become riddled with bugs before the initial and most critical wave of clients had pledged their unconditional allegiance, along with a modest thousand dollar donation.