Sizzling Sequels & Fijian Ferocity

1 2 3 4 5 6 7ALL

In the world of Cinema I have no patience for prequels. A Prequel is what occurs when a group of shrewd producers with more cash than creativity are too lazy, shorn of ideas or scared to confront the rigorous challenge of crafting a commendable sequel and decide they will better charm critiques and audiences by recruiting subjugated writers and submissive directors to tell a story that ends three minutes, years or centuries before the original one began.

Annoyingly it works. The notion that we are being shown something historically significant as opposed to merely “what happened next” is potent enough for prequels to procure disproportionate levels of respect, even when their plots, characters, scenery, scores and scripts and are as disjointed, one dimensional, lacklustre and cliché ridden as those of any sequel.

But wait. Didn’t George Lucas produce write and direct every one his prequels? Were they all poorly thought out? And what about Batman? Christopher Nolan, an submissive director? Sooner could you convince me that this creature is Lucifer incarnate.

Point one, a cat is a witch’s familiar, so not a million miles from his unholy highness. Point two, the Star Wars prequels hardly evoke universal acclaim, frankly, Phantom Menace was a was a pot-boiler. As for the flying mouse, nobody said there weren’t exceptions, but if I allowed every one of them to govern my analogies, you’d be staring at a blank page. So shut up!

In other areas of consumerism, prequels of a different kind arise to satisfy intelligent nostalgia and these, I see far greater sense in.

Many Audiophiles construct sound arguments singing the praises of analogue intimacy, valve bound richness and vinyl warmth, making microphones such as the Gemini 2 from SE Electronics and Linn’s sensational Sondek LP12 turntable entirely worthy reincarnations throughout eras of icy digital clarity.

Enough cyclists scoff at the Garmin gawping, Lycra laced, gel propelled road racer to give stable steel frames, infallible hub gears and handsome chrome trimmings a sustained and noble presence amidst a mercurial subculture saturated with Carbon fibre fads and Titanium trends.

Motor minded traditionalists with petrol on the brain are justified in their desire to embody an eternity of automotive ecstasy within the timeless chassis and sumptuous tan leather lining of that Morgan they ordered during the Cold War.

Vineyards would love to discover how to ferment Tutankhamen’s Charidney at will, but they can’t. Tutankhamen only drank red wine.

When we enter the realm of Computers, where the luxuries of fleetness and efficiency take ruthless precedence over impractical arguments to preserve a slow and cumbersome past, there is only scope for sequels, unless we consider limited editions, customised character, or laptops like this…

…and even then, the “period features” permeate the aesthetics and not the components.

In every other respect, the mere notion of an I.T prequel precipitates a paradox that defies common sense since all those conceivable have already been composed.

“Mr Cook? Mr Iovine? Listen, I have this fantastic idea for a prequel to the iPad Air.”

“Excuse me? We did that, it was the iPad 3.”

“Mr Shin, please, don’t buy Jupiter, it would be a disastrous investment for Samsung. Awkward commuting past Mars, through that beastly asteroid belt, plus the land is way too gassy to build plants on. Save the cash for my project. Its a prequel that tells the story of what happened before the Galaxy S6.”

“Sorry friend, I may heed your planetary advice a plump for Venus, just as soon as the acid rain stops. But how much more could be said in a prequel to the S6 than what the S5 has already revealed?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7ALL